My Child Hates Me

New parents can hardly fathom the day when their teenage or adult children have grown to hate them. To the naive, this is inconceivable, yet many good people are living out their lives with a burden of hatred cast upon them by an adult child.

My child hates me? This is the silent question that guides their daily thoughts and feelings, often with no apparent answer.

No foreigner to this issue, I have some suggestions that may be helpful if your child hates you. These suggestions by no means are intended to solve the problem, as the problem runs deep and has a long history. Only patience, longsuffering and some well-considered shifts in your thinking and to the relationship dynamic can bring about change. Of course, there are no guarantees.

The process of change begins with a new question. The question Why does my child hate me? isn’t often helpful. It may seem logical enough, but most of us ask that question from a place of disbelief. We use the question to cast doubt on reality. It’s as if we are saying this can’t be true or I don’t believe it. Questions asked with this underlying tone of disbelief don’t lead to constructive answers.

Begin with the truth. Your child hates you. This is a fact, albeit a very, very painful one. Before trying to figure it all out, stop questioning it. Sit with the horrific reality. Allow it to sink in. This is so tough to do. In fact, it may be impossible for many parents to accomplish because the pain and seeming impossibility of the situation are so paralyzing.

Fathers who have supported their children, paid for college and weddings, even therapy and drug rehab, are victims of child hate. Mothers who might have gotten abortions rather than give birth, who raised children while single and financially destitute; these are mothers who are often hated by the children once they come of age. No visiting the grandchildren. No lunch dates. No family gatherings.

It’s unfathomable. And this is the primary obstacle.

To you, as the hated parent, the incredulity of the situation actually prevents you from moving toward healing. Once you accept your child’s hatred, a new direction opens before you that makes room for your emotional health, even though this new direction may still involve your child’s scorn. Can you see why this issue is nearly impossible to deal with? Accepting, without reservation, the reality of a hateful child is among the tallest orders a human being can receive.

My children hate me. This is a fact. I do not deny it, no matter how painful. Given this reality, what must be true for my child? How does my child make sense of the world? What caused the hatred in my child’s mind? We are no longer questioning the existence of the hatred, but, with full acceptance of its reality, attempting to understand it. This is the first step.

Once you understand how your child came to this extreme place; how he or she makes sense of the world, then you have a chance of moving forward. There is an explanation. It can make sense to you and once it does, your perspective will change. It all begins with acceptance.

My God! I’m Passive Aggressive

passive aggressiveIt hit me today. I was talking to a friend about her passive aggressive tendencies and we clicked so much around it. I found myself identifying with just about everything she was admitting about herself.

And then I felt awful…but strangely thrilled too. Not because I had discovered a liberating new insight…but sadistically giggly because I’ve been pulling this shit for decades and it feels good to be vindictive!

And then I cried because that’s evil, basically.

Passive aggressive behavior is wrong on so many levels. It’s unfair to pretend to be in agreement and then screw someone over behind their back. Sneaky. Mean. It feels so devious and…thrilling.

I don’t have my mind around it yet, so my goal is dive into it and really learn what I’m doing. I’m passive aggressive for sure. I just need to x-ray the issue.

A list of signs that one is passive aggressive (for now)

Sulks a lot
Feigns agreement
Prone to Shame
Stuffs feelings
Hates expectations
Loves vindication


IQ Matrix Review: A Goal Setting Tool that Will Make your Desires Achievable

Excerpts from this post were taken, with permission, from the Training Zone article: Stuck on a Goal? Here’s How to Get Aligned.

Over 25 years working with myself and others, I understand one huge obstacle to achieving goals: We don’t begin correctly.

Worse, it’s often when most convinced that we’re really going to make it this time that we sorely lacking what we need to succeed.

What’s missing from common goal-setting efforts?

Quality information. We tend not to really think goals through. It’s not our fault. Few of us are trained how to set ourselves up for success with goals, right?

As a result, many of us try to set goals even though we…

• Have to psych ourselves up to get moving (artificial motivation doesn’t last)
• Subtly doubt our chances of success (unconscious sabotage)
• Say to ourselves: Here I go again. I hope it works this time.
Have no idea what will be required to succeed.
• Haven’t considered the impact of getting the goal on our life (and others).
• Aren’t being honest about how conflicted we may be about the goal.
• And so on. We just hope for the best.

If hoping for the best while secretly doubting yourself and ignoring the real challenges that lie ahead works for you, by all means continue. If you’re ready for something beyond the throw-it-against-the-wall-and-see-if-it-sticks approach, then I’d suggest a goal-setting mind map.

A mind map is a tool used to visually outline information, especially bulky or complex concepts, in a simple and understandable manner. Mind maps help you quickly identify and grasp the structure of a given topic, enabling you to gain valuable insights at a glance.

I recently asked an iNLP Center staff member, Hannah, who is training in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, to review the IQ Matrix Goal Setting Process mind map.

Disclaimer: FYI this review is NOT an affiliate marketing effort and no compensation has been received for it. The iNLP Center purchased the mind map in question. As a blogger, I am always looking for new and valuable ways to grow and develop. This is one of those tools I consider worth mentioning.

Here is how Hannah worked the Goal-Setting Process mind map for one of her personal goals (in her own words):

After purchasing the map, I printed off a copy, then excitedly dove right in. Unfortunately, I hadn’t noticed there was an accompanying Summary attachment that walked the user through the map, including where to start, so I admittedly wasted a few minutes just roaming around the diagram like a drunken sailor.

The Summary alone was worth the money. A generous eighteen pages filled with additional information and useful diagrams, it walked me through the mind map process, including many helpful coaching-style questions to ask myself along the way. Reading through the summary felt as though I was receiving my own personal coaching session, and I hadn’t even gotten to the map yet.

Initially, I started in earnest with goals for each major area of my life, but quickly realized I would need to pare it down to just one if I wanted to complete my review in a reasonable time frame.

I chose the goal of launching my small business idea…

goal setting mind map businessMaking and selling old-fashioned artisan candy through an online shop.

As instructed in the Summary, I started the mind map ‘board game’ at the center by clearly identifying and defining the what, when and why of my goal. Easy peasy. I was going to fly through this thing in no time!

After all, I had spent many hours researching, practicing and outlining the business plan at this point and I was well-versed in NLP life coaching techniques. Goal setting was pretty straightforward stuff!

My bubble burst just moments after I entered the Goal Congruence section of the map. In it, the user is pointed down four paths of inquiry, one of which is the values check; does the goal align with my core values? Of course it does.

Doesn’t it?

Hmmm… suddenly, the previous two months spent dragging my feet (perhaps why the Procrastination map also seemed to jump out at me) was beginning to make sense. My goal met all the other criteria for congruence and alignment, but there was one, small, pesky detail that was like a pea under the proverbial Princess: I had a belief that sugar didn’t fit into a healthy lifestyle.

My sweet tooth was something I strove to overcome.

How could I sell to others the very things I was trying to give up?

I decided to forge ahead in the interest of completing the map and put the nagging congruence issue aside for the time being. The next check point was Ecology, and I followed the black line trail through a series of excellent questions on the potential consequences for both achieving and not achieving my goal.

What sacrifices might I need to make in the short and long term? Who and what might be affected by the pursuit and achievement of my goal?

Next came an in-depth exploration of the more practical Design phase, including creating a Blueprint and a Plan of Action for my goal. I realized that, even though I had spent so much time researching and educating myself in preparation for launching the business, I hadn’t taken the time to really get clear on many of the important details. Having the map to guide me methodically (and relentlessly!) through it all was turning out to be extremely helpful and enlightening.

For instance, I hadn’t thought ahead to potential obstacles, and to how I might overcome them. Having a list of these, alongside a surprisingly long list of my resources (both inner and outer) gave me a realistic sense of what I could accomplish.

The Plan of Action section reminded me to determine ahead of time the steps I would take to accomplish my goal, and of the importance of both tracking progress and rewarding myself for that progress.

The mind map then lead me through the inner work I would need to do in order to stay focused on the achievement of my goal (Building Momentum and Motivation). This section felt a little lighter and less intense than the goal analysis side, and was a very pleasant way to finish off the process.

In it, the map reminds the user to make goals fun, to always ‘think big but act small’ (baby steps towards a bold vision), and to always ask oneself solution focused questions. I chose to apply that particular piece of helpful advice towards taking another look at that ‘pea’ of mine.

My Inner Conflict Resolved

In the Summary pages of this mind map, the author suggests that, when confronting a personal value that conflicts with our goal, this doesn’t mean we necessarily have to give up the goal. It may simply mean tweaking the goal or adjusting our values to bring them into better alignment.

In order to do this, I asked myself the solution-focused question: how might I match my core value of promoting good health and nutrition so that it supported the candy-making business instead of conflicting with it?

Surprisingly, the answer came fairly easily over the next few days. During that time, I didn’t actively search for an answer so much as let one surface. The mind map seemed readily accessible in my visual memory, and I found I could recall all of the various steps and components, as well as the lengthy notes I had made, fairly effortlessly.

In the end, I found congruence between my core value and my goal through the choice of quality, all-natural & organic ingredients, and the inclusion of a significant educational component for my customers on how to consume sweets safely and responsibly. Interestingly, coming to this conclusion for my future customers also allowed me to make peace with my own sweet tooth.

The brilliance of IQ Matrix mind maps is that, for any given topic, one may choose to go as deep as time or effort or mind-frame allows. I could easily have spent hours and hours in deeper examination and inquiry at any of the many stages along the map route, lingering where further personal work was required, and moving forward over those parts that I felt I had a firmer grasp on. The map was self-tailoring, fully adjustable to the user’s particular and unique situation and mental state.

It was easy to envision how, life coaching style, one could use the map as a template to guide a client or friend through the goal-setting process, pausing along the way to more deeply address any surfacing issues or stumbling blocks.

Overall, the experience of using the Goal Setting mind map fell somewhere between playing a long game of Dungeons and Dragons, doing one of those personality quizzes we all love to take (and don’t like to admit to), and engaging in a professional life coaching session. It was equal parts value-packed work and fun, and never once felt like a waste of my time.

Thanks for Hannah for educating us about mind maps!

Feeling Overwhelmed? You’re in a Trap and Here’s the Key

Desperately need solutions, but feeling overwhelmed?

You’re probably trapped in a double bind. (Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!)

To escape the trap of feeling overwhelmed, you need one simple insight that isn’t obvious when you’re so stuck. And that’s why iWho is here:)

Important Note: Feeling overwhelmed is different than overwhelming feelings.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, you probably have:

• Too much to do
• A big problem you don’t know how to solve

Overwhelming feelings could point to various scenarios that do not apply to this post, such as PTSD flooding, attacks of anxiety, racing or obsessive thoughts, rage, or any states of mind and body that come on so strong as to be overwhelming.

This post is about feeling overwhelmed because you have too much to do or a complex problem you can’t figure out – and not about the flood of emotion that comes from other issues. Here are some specific examples:

Looking at your to-do list is all it takes to feel crushed by pressure.

Thinking about your massive obligations makes you want to kneel down and cry.

Helping your teenager survive high school seems like more than you can manage.

When you try to get your mind around how to fix your relationship, the problems compound.

You have no idea how you are ever going to keep your house clean and organized.

So, you’re overwhelmed by life circumstance and the pressure is real. Now let’s look at the trap.

Understanding the Mental Trap

Overwhelm is a signal that circumstances are oppressive. You really need to solve this problem, but can’t seem to get out from under it, right? Yet, the solution to isn’t what you’re thinking (most likely).

Here’s the trap: In the midst of an overwhelming problem, you are most likely to believe the solution to feeling overwhelmed is to solve the problem. It isn’t! You believe you can’t find relief until circumstances change. Not true! This line of reasoning is a symptom of the trap.

Worse, trying to solve a problem when you’re feeling overwhelmed isn’t effective. You’re more productive when you’re feeling grounded, right?

How to Escape

Redefine the goal. You don’t need to solve the problem (yet) of having too much to do or a huge, pressing issue. The solution happens when you stop feeling overwhelmed. The end result, when you’re out of the trap, is having the exact same complex problem or to-do list, but not feeling overwhelmed by it.

To put it another way:

1) You have a problem.
2) You are overwhelmed.

These are two different things. Seek to reduce the overwhelm first, then take a fresh look at the problem. This is the key to the trap. Use any method you know to reduce the pressure without expecting to solve the problem. At that point, any relaxation methods or task organizing methods should work much better.





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